What's the difference?
Life can be stressful at times, and we each have our way on how to cope. Some of us respond impulsively and emotionally; others hold it all in and work hard to stay in control. These styles, called undercontrolled and overcontrolled coping, can create challenges that impact our relationships, emotions, and overall wellbeing. Coping styles are patterns of behavior, emotion, and thought that we use to manage stress, pain, or uncertainty. Neither style is “good” or “bad" -- they’re simply different ways shaped by our nervous system and life experiences.
Undercontrolled individuals may feel emotions intensely and act quickly in response. They may be open, deeply caring, and spontaneous, but can also struggle with emotional regulation and impulse control. Common traits and behaviors may include:
- Acting on urges before thinking through consequences
- Difficulty tolerating distress or waiting for outcomes
- Rapid shifts in mood
- Strong reactions to rejection
- Substance use, or other high-risk behaviors when under stress
- Trouble following through on long-term goals when emotions are high
How it can help: People with undercontrolled coping often bring warmth, authenticity, and creativity to relationships.
How it can hurt: When emotions take the driver’s seat, relationships, work, and self-esteem can suffer.
Overcontrolled individuals tend to hold in emotions, strive for perfection, and prioritize control or order. They often appear calm and composed but may feel lonely, anxious, or distressed inside. Common traits and behaviors include:
- Difficulty expressing emotions or asking for help
- Rigid rules, high standards, or fear of mistakes
- Perfectionism and self-criticism
- Social withdrawal or feeling misunderstood
- Chronic worry or guilt
- Difficulty relaxing or letting go of control
- Feeling empty, disconnected, or emotionally flat
How it can help: Overcontrolled coping often brings discipline, reliability, and thoughtfulness.
How it can hurt: When control becomes excessive, it can lead to burnout, isolation, and depression.
How Coping Skills Relate to Suicidal Ideation and Self-Harm
Both undercontrolled and overcontrolled coping styles can lead to suicidal ideation or self-harming behaviors, but the function behind these behaviors often differs.
For undercontrolled individuals, self-harm or suicidal behaviors often occur in moments of intense emotion. The behavior serves as a way to quickly reduce unbearable emotional pain or to communicate distress to others when words feel insufficient. These actions are often impulsive, driven by the urgent need to escape or express overwhelming feelings.
In contrast, overcontrolled individuals may engage in suicidal thinking or self-harm for more inward, perfectionistic, or self-punitive reasons. Rather than an impulsive cry for help, these behaviors might arise from chronic self-criticism, shame, or hopelessness. For some, it’s an attempt to regain control or to punish themselves for perceived failures. Others may not express distress outwardly at all, making their suffering more difficult to detect.
Understanding these different functions is crucial for effective treatment, highlighting why specialized treatments like DBT and RO-DBT are so important.
Matching the Right Therapy
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) – for Undercontrolled Coping
DBT helps individuals who experience emotions that feel too big, too fast, or too intense. It teaches practical skills to:
- Regulate emotions before they take over
- Tolerate distress without acting impulsively
- Improve relationships and communication
- Develop mindfulness and self-compassion
Who it helps: People struggling with mood swings, impulsivity, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or difficulty managing anger—common in borderline personality disorder, ADHD, bipolar disorder, and trauma-related disorders.
Radically Open DBT (RO-DBT) – for Overcontrolled Coping
RO-DBT is designed for those who feel too controlled, too perfectionistic, or too alone. It focuses on:
- Increasing emotional openness and flexibility
- Building trust and authentic connection
- Learning to relax rigid control and express vulnerability
- Embracing playfulness and spontaneity
Who it helps: People with chronic depression, anxiety, perfectionism, obsessive-compulsive personality traits, anorexia nervosa, or social isolation.
In summary, recognizing whether you tend to be more undercontrolled or overcontrolled is the first step toward meaningful change. Both coping styles develop for understandable reasons and may have helped you survive and adapt to life’s challenges. However, when these patterns become too rigid, they can interfere with emotional health and relationships. The good news is that evidence-based therapies like DBT and RO-DBT offer clear, effective pathways toward balance. By learning new ways to manage emotions, connect authentically, and respond flexibly to stress, you can move toward a life that feels more open, stable, and fulfilling.
Want to learn more about your coping style? Take the Word Pairs Quiz